The lonely black wolf looked out the window of the training room. She was sitting on the window seat wit her three tails hanging off to the side and her wings outstretched. She took one last glance out of the window before getting up and picking up her two flame schimitars. She folded up her wings and headed for the door. She was the last person in the training room so she turned off the lights before opening the heavy, metal door that lead outside.
She walked outside and looked up at the night time sky. There was a full moon and the skies were clear. Everything was quiet and peacefull. The wolf walked into the courtyard with few steps and sat down underneath a Sakura tree that was in full bloom. She set her two swords next to her and put her head against the tree trunk. A small breeze come in and blew across the young girl's face. She gave a little sigh and drew her legs in against her body and wropped her tails around them. I t was a pretty warm night, but something made this teen cold and shiver all throughout her body...
I pricked my ears, hearing a small rustle behind me, then hearing footsteps.
"Be any louder and you'll wake up the whole neighborhood."
"I'm impressed. Your hearing has improved a bit," I heard a male voice behind me. I hadn't realized who it was before I had said anything before.
"What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be asleep?" I asked the male voice that had sitten down on the bench next to me.
"I couldn't sleep, so I came out here to watch the sun rise in a couple hours," the dark blue male wolf answered.
I gave a little smile and mumbled under my breath, "You never change, do you Centurian?"
The male wolf turned his head and looked at me, his blue eyes shining in the moonlight, and his blue fur looking like a trickeling stream. He looked so handsome as the moon and stars glittered down on him.
"The question is, do you ever change, Tane?" Centurian asked with a smile. I looked up at him, my red eyes and blood red fur looking like freshly made blood. It also glittered from the stars and the moon.
He put the tip of one of his three tails on my shoulder. At that moment, I felt something rush through my body. Something that was wonderful and gave me hope. Hope to find something I've always wanted to find.
I think he felt the same thing rush through him...or he felt it off me because then he asked, "So...do you want to hang out sometime?"
I was speechless for a minute, then answered, "You can come over to my house tomorrow night...That is, if you want to."
He just answered simply, getting up from the bench and heading in the direction of his house, "I'd love to."
I watched him go and felt a strange feeling come over me. Is this what love feels like? I thought to myself. Is this the feeling I've been missing out on all these years? ...It must be, because I've never felt anything like this before...
I got up once again, picking up my schimitars, and headed for my house. I looked back over my shoulder one last time just to see Centurian jump over the wall of the courtyard to get to his house. I turned my head and looked down at the ground, trying to hide my emotions inside as I headed to my house which was at the egde of the courtyard, just inside it's walls. I smiled to myself one last time before going inside and closing the white door behind me.
~*~*~*~
















Devious Comments
In the first paragraph you tend to keep starting sentences with "She". I usually try to avoid doing this and try to start each sentence differently. 2 sentences can start off with the same word but 3 and up can become repetitive and you want to avoid that. Try starting out sentences with a verb or an adjective/adverb and remake the sentence saying the same thing just in a different order. The point your trying to make will get across and you won't be having to repeat anything. Try to combine sentences that refer to the same thing so that you won't be having to make choppy sentences.
Also, when you get to the part where it describes Tane's fur being blood red, you may want to combine the sentence afterward about it glittering in the sun. Maybe you should change the word to glimmered, shimmered, or shined, just so you aren't repeating the same word you used in Centurian's sentence. I find variety sounds best when you write, don't overuse words. Just make sure it makes sense when you read it
Hope this helps you out, and also you may want to hit spellcheck before submitting your work. It will fix these problems and reviewing it helps as well, make sure it's in the right form because sometimes spellcheck makes mistakes.
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READ *Striogi's HELL HAS FOUND ME COMICS!!!! [link]
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ISha paw mani pawni! >:3
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E hale chi Chaoder!
--
Dragonfire: ...
Nightmoon: ....
Dragonfire: .....
Nightmoon: ......
Dragonfire: .......
Nightmoon: ...HA YOU BLINKED!
Dragonfire: -spotlight- NOOOO!!!
...i'm weird that way! 8D
--
READ *Striogi's HELL HAS FOUND ME COMICS!!!! [link]
---
ISha paw mani pawni! >:3
---
E hale chi Chaoder!
--
Dragonfire: ...
Nightmoon: ....
Dragonfire: .....
Nightmoon: ......
Dragonfire: .......
Nightmoon: ...HA YOU BLINKED!
Dragonfire: -spotlight- NOOOO!!!
...i'm weird that way! 8D
--
I Wish i had cookies right now
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
awesome icon done by :iconWarriorseyes:
--
Dragonfire: ...
Nightmoon: ....
Dragonfire: .....
Nightmoon: ......
Dragonfire: .......
Nightmoon: ...HA YOU BLINKED!
Dragonfire: -spotlight- NOOOO!!!
...i'm weird that way! 8D
--
I Wish i had cookies right now
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
awesome icon done by :iconWarriorseyes:
--
Dragonfire: ...
Nightmoon: ....
Dragonfire: .....
Nightmoon: ......
Dragonfire: .......
Nightmoon: ...HA YOU BLINKED!
Dragonfire: -spotlight- NOOOO!!!
...i'm weird that way! 8D
--
Ronic's Theme Song:[link]
Ronic The Hedgehog and all other characters and stories based on Ronic The Hedgehog (c) ME!!
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